i am new to this forum and new to talking about this stuff.

my meds are risperidone 6mg, bupropion 300mg, lamotrigine 100mg and duloxetine 60mg,

i am a 41yo father of 2 that are over 18 now i raised them on my own while hiding all this until recently so i didn't lose my kids.

i have severe depression i hate myself and every thing i have ever done i am suicidal i feel like i am not worthy of living. these feelings have been reduced by my meds but not enough. there have been several times that i think i should go to the ER but i am scared of what might happen. i don't want to get locked up. the mental hosp in my area is horrible and in trouble with the state. my doc won't give me any benzos to get over the bad days and i don't know what to do.