I don't know where you are in this big world, but I really hope there is somebody around you, that can help you through even if they are no kind of medical/mental doctor, I think you and I share a distrust of them. A team effort might be what it takes to gain some ground.

There was a particular time that I was dealing with what I felt was an impossible situation.As my mental state was tenuous and I had a emotional bomb dropped in my lap that stopped me cold. I spent nearly a month organizing and planning. During that time I mentally turned off areas of my mind such as emotional, judgement, and connections to the world and people. I felt as though I had completely detached myself from this world. In the last few days before the time, the overwhelming factor of the situation resolved. The burden removed, but I could not rejoice, I could not celebrate, I could only exist. I soon after developed runaway hypertension, that was bad enough I blacked out often, and had trouble walking to my mailbox without falling down, and laying there wondering who would find me. I sought medical help and they could not explain the erratic swings in blood pressure, and it took nearly a year before i was consistently stable pressure. That was 8 years ago, and I still sometimes have blood pressure swings that put me out of commission. So that is a physical effect possibly, as I never had that issue before. The worst effect of that experience though, was being unable to ever feel connected to the world again, after severing those ties mentally.

I'm glad you are still around to talk to. It means a lot to me.