thanks perna. im sick trying to tell either of them anything at this stage. usually i have patience with mum but tonight i just dont have it in me. i really really wanted to see her this evening since ive been feeling so bad myself and seeing her usually helps so im really hurt and upset that she didnt want to see me. maybe when i feel better myself i ll understand why.
you re right though. i shouldnt have said anything to dad. hes just such a manipulative prick. i have to be so careful what i say to him all the time. i screwed up tonight and probably made things worse between them.
i choose to believe her when she says she was on her own in the bar. if she wasnt then she ll tell me when she can. but i choose to believe there was no one else there. its just that that worries me no end too. i love my mum so much it hurts terribly to see her in pain. it scares me too when shes not in control. i need her to be in control for me (i know i know im supposed to be an adult and be done needing my mother). i find myself a lot recently trying to be the one in control for her.
i need to try to sleep. if i can get a decent sleep tonight maybe i can lessen this extreme anxiety ive been having since last night. i really need to get a grip. i need a break. i need a hug from my mum.