This type of post is cathartic for me. I'm remembering the worst things I have suffered and how it is that I survived.

I was sexually molested by a stranger when I was about 8 or 9 (I don't know the exact date, I know I was less than 10). I didn't tell my parents at the time, and I sometimes regret that. I first told a counselor around 1990, recovered memories were all the rage then, and she tried to convince me that what I experienced was merely the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes it can be hard for me to determine what is fantasy and what is reality, concerning the period of time surrounding the original abuse. I'm sometimes disappointed that something that could have been a relief (telling someone about the abuse and getting some help) turned out to be very confusing for me, and that time that could have been one of encouragement and support, instead turned into my questioning what was real, and what was fantasy, or what there could be that I had forgotten- it was a lot for a 23 year old to handle.

It's still difficult to know what to think about the period of time that I told this counselor. It was a tough time for me. I was struggling in many areas. I didn't have much money, I thought I wanted to keep attending college, but I wasn't liking the classes as much as I thought I would. I was struggling with forming healthy friendships.

About 5 years later, my brother in a fit of anger told me basically that it was my fault that I was abused, and that had our situations been reversed, he would have fought off the abuser and wouldn't have been abused, because he was a "tough little kid". That really bothered me. My brother was going through a difficult time himself, and I don't think he really meant what he said, but it got to me.

I think the best way to describe the above is just to say that it was a learning experience. I think I see where I could have reacted a little differently, and made things easier on myself. The judgments I made about those situations definitely made things harder for me, as well. I'm gaining insight into how to judge troubling situations, and even when to withhold judgments when necessary. Even wishing that I lived in a world where therapists are always helpful, where brothers never blame people for being abused, and wishing I always had an easy, enjoyable life, and never felt confused... those thoughts were not helpful. I am living in a world with imperfect people, and I do sometimes feel emotional and confused. That is the nature of this reality. But, I do have confidence that I can learn to judge correctly, and that I can eventually come to terms with whatever might happen.