Lola, I know this is very hard for you and I relate to some of your posts, especially the thing about emails (I read your other thread on this). The compulsion wanting to tell the T all your secrets and wanting him to think/feel about them as deeply as you do. Of course it feels hurtful when he expresses it might not be the case, at least not outside of sessions. However strong these feelings can be, I am with CantExplain that your T was probably honest with you or at least tried to provide a healthy reaction, and in the grander scheme of things this may be better than any momentary validation and reciprocation because it's realistic.

When I get caught up in the feelings that I would want my therapist to engage with me more than what is realistic in the context of therapy, I like to use my own professional life to remind how it might be for the T to work with clients. I am not a T but supervise many people's work and collaborate with even more. And this often involves developing sympathy and close alliances with some that can go beyond the scope of the work, but I do try to make an effort to make it even and not to discriminate much. There are often students, for example, who contact me all the time not only with work-related matters. So how do I feel about these people? How much time do I spend thinking about them when we are not interacting? It varies... but the truth is, when I am mentally in a good place myself, I don't carry around my work relationships in mind very often, part of the reason being is because there are so many and I need to prioritize based on many factors, including urgency and what is most critical at a given moment in an objective sense (eg. deadlines, or when something goes seriously wrong). So in this context, your T's response very much reflects how I feel and deal with my work as well, and I like to use this when I get carried away and desire more from my T than what is realistic and balanced given the nature of the relationship.

Like others said, it is quite obvious that your T cares since he generously offered you what he is able to do within his role, offered you more of his time and attention in sessions. You don't feel like taking his offer because you may want something he is not able to provide, and I think it is perfectly fine to desire that and discuss it but, once again, the reality is that we need to accept one way or another that it is a fantasy. I remember reading your story about your former T who had really sloppy boundaries, and how that hurt you as well... now here is someone who seems more solid and professional in that department. I know it is a difficult but for me in the longer run, a T with solid, stable boundaries, without cultivating illusions, but with a willingness to give me more of his attention as a therapist if I wanted to has been a godsend in helping me to have more realistic expectations and more balanced ways of relating. It takes a while and hard work but I think it's absolutely worth it.