*************trigger - abuse**********************************











I have been going to a body work massage therapist.... he is very good for me... all of my different alters go there.. and I find out a great deal about myself...

The body work massage therapist has experience, couseling, is very grounded himself.. and has access to my therapist.. or I would never trust him.. to be able to handle the experience.. so I have great deal of confidence in him...

I never realized how much pain, real pain, I have stored in my body or the impact that it is having on my health..

Crying was never allowed at my house... it just wasn't... For me, I learned to not cry or if it slipped out.. just silently...

What I learned today..... I learned to can't even say it.. so strong is the training.. I learned to wail.. in grief... in pain..instead of a knot in my tummy,,the pain just came out...

My ex-husband... would always say "if you are going to cry, I will give you something to cry about".. and he would beat me...slap after slap.. kicks..

My pregnancy was hard... had taxcimia... bedrest for 3 months.. in a mobile home during summer.. must have been at least a 100 degrees at times.... my feet so swollen.. everything swollen....
I think of my labor as a torture... I fell down the steps the first time I went to be induced... and my husband said... you got down there... you can get yourself up... the neighbor man helped. me to get to my feet.

The inducement so painful.. and I wasn't allowed to cry.. to move because the monitor.. across my tummy would go off.. three days of this constant unrelenting contractions.. and no crying..

The 4th day.. at noon.. I simply ripped the IV's out and said I am going home.... that embrassed my husband... I will never forget his angry whisper.. telling me to "shut the hxx up".... and the IV's relpaced.. and once again... quiet.

I did all the hard labor... from 0 to there... without uttering a peep.. without moving from the bed.. because of the monitor... no one cared... no one checked on me.. I was a none person.. I was invisible..

The baby started coming.. and no one knew.. my husband announced he was hungry.. and was leaving...

Alone.. always so alone... when the nurse did check me it was an emergency..

I was still invisible.. no one cared about my pain... my terrible pain.. in those 4 days.. no one cared enough to give me anything for pain... my husband didn't help me..

I just had to "buck up" and make sure I didn't cry..... I didn't..

The doctor was frantic.. the baby was in a very bad position... they didn't bother to numb me before he cut the episotomy... I felt every cut.. and then the forceps.. and my son was out.. blue.. but out..

No one cared about me... not about the hemoraging.. not about numbing me before they stiched me up... the episotomy... so painful...

I feel like I am not suppose to talk about it ever... it's ugly.. it's very ugly... yet.. today... a person let me scream the pain that I still felt in my body...

No one has ever let me do that before....it's always be quiet.. "shut up and put up"...

I feel tired...and "odd" ... strange.. because today.. I did something new.. I expressed my terrible pain.. and no one told me to shut up... he comforted me....