Yes still.
It's been a year and 1/2 since I've seen this mother figure/old T. I'm going back to visit on the 2nd. I was really excited, but now i can't stop thinking about it, and all the pain is coming back. I'm so scared i'm going to burst into tears the moment i see either of them. And then leaving again .... its just so much.
I feel this ... void, or something deep in my heart, and i'm scared i'm only going to awaken the suppressed pain.
I need so badly their love, and i'm very scared of being rejected of that only once again.
Why is it that once you put yourself out there, that vulneurablity alone is enough to crush you emotionally?
Maybe i'm expecting too much.
Maybe i'm just missing too much.
Maybe I .... I just don't know anymore.



I hope i can find the strength and love that i'm looking for. Enough so that i can be at peace and move on with myself.