almedafan, I'm sorry your session was so trying. I hear a lot of pain in your words.

I think the spanking and your husband lying about it is serious stuff. I am amazed a family therapist would not have a better response. I'm so sorry. When my T discovered some of the physical abuse going on in our family, he was very no nonsense about it and really made me sit up and take it very, very seriously. I am also seeing a therapist who is a child specialist right now, and she too takes it very seriously when parents use physical force against their children. I think your T missed the boat on this one.

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T has told me that I over-idealize and then devalue people and I know I do this. I guess I got defensive because I don't want to start hearing my son has bad personality traits...he does not.

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I don't understand this. Your T felt you were over-idealizing and then devaluing him because of how he does not think the spanking is serious? Your son is very young. None of this is the child's fault. It's too bad you can't talk about this very serious issue with your T without your own T-client dynamics getting in the way. I think your T should be able to set them aside for a serious situation like this. He needs to show some leadership.

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I could've handled the situation better and I didn't but I refuse to ignore my son's claims or make him feel invalidated.

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Nothing you've written makes me think you didn't handle the situation well. Why do you think that?

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Then it comes out that I am just like T's sister...and he wasn't paying me a compliment because she did the same thing to him once about her kids and in front of the kids.

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Not sure I understand. You mean one time your T's sister told him that her husband was spanking their child and he ignored the seriousness of this revelation? And he looks down on his sister for this? In any case, I don't think he should be comparing you to family members he doesn't like.

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I'm sure he thinks I devalued him tonight...whatever. I'm not going to agree with him because I like him as a person.

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You are showing you are differentiated from him by sticking to your morals and what you know to be right. He should be able to handle that you didn't agree with him.

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He wants to push my buttons so why should I get upset??

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Why does he want to push your buttons? Because you remind him of your sister? Because he wants to make you angry? What is going on with you two? Is it therapeutic?

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Aren't I allowed to feel this way once inawhile without it being labeled as devaluing?

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I'm not sure I understand the devaluing? Are you saying that instead of accepting that you and he do not agree on everything, he tells you that you are devaluing him? I don't always agree with people but no one has ever told me it is because I am devaluing them. I am puzzled by this! Do you understand what he means? Do you think he is the sort of person who can't tolerate disagreement from anyone? Seems like this would not be a good trait in a therapist!

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I went out to the desk to make some future appointments and his assistant says "every other week?" he knows I've been coming weekly.

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Do you think this implies your T has been talking about you with his assistant/lover and told him to say this? Breach of confidentiality? Yuck. Did you make another appointment for next week?

((((Hugs))))