Today in T I shared a sexual dream that was linked to my abuse but instead of being scary, it felt OK. Weird, but OK. As we talked about it, I felt the tears come up and my T wanted to know what was happening - was I sad or worried? I finally blurted out, while crying, "I don't know how to be a person who wants sex...and I don't know how to talk about this."

He let me cry a little and then talked about how scary it must be to feel this part of me that has been so repressed, begin to emerge. He said, "we can talk about all this. You had a dream about having sex with me a few weeks ago and we talked about it. There isn't anything we can't talk about in here."

I wanted to die on the spot. Doesn't he know that he is supposed to forget these dreams the minute I leave the session? I told him I was very worried that he would find these feelings inappropriate and intrusive and mostly, presumptuous. He says he won't. And he says he won't terminate or transfer me because of them.

But still...this keeps coming up. There are so many other things to talk about and yet sex keeps coming up. Why is that? He says we don't have to talk about it if it is too hard.

"Are we going to ignore the elephant in the room?" I asked. "We don't do that very well together." He laughed and said, "No we don't. And that is a good thing."

The hardest part about all of this (no pun intended) is that I'm back to feeling frantic between sessions about losing him. I hate these feelings!