Hey Abby,

I can relate a lot to what you're going through.

When one specific part gets triggered, it can send me into a full day of feeling like my head is going to explode. So much inner tension and I will just feel like I HAVE to fix the problem with this person. (specifically an ex T, who I deeply loved, ghosting me)

But then I can't fix the problem because I was ghosted... trying to get into contact again would almost certainly lead to getting hurt worse.

So there's a problem and no course of action and when that gets triggered I feel immense tension and anger inside that I have to keep shoving back down out of consciousness. The angry part inside wants an angry course of action and I have no choice but to suppress that. If I let it come out too much my body literally starts falling apart from the stress and inner conflict and I simply cannot function.

I mean I used to think it was healthy to just not avoid, to plunge into it and face the pain alone but I don't know anymore, it doesn't seem like my body will physically be able to survive that.

At the same time finding new support often doesn't help because it's not the person in question and my angry part doesn't want to talk to anyone else.

So I just wanted to say I relate.

One thing I noticed is that in the long process of trying to figure this out I may have further distanced my emotional reality and that might have made the problem worse.

I'm trying to find ways to exist more organically and not always getting lost in these complex thought structures. These are not necessarily complex coping mechanisms, but they can be interpreted in a complicated way.

Obviously this has a relationship to anger, I'm thinking, is there any way you could start to describe what the anger is about? Just a little bit at a time?

Usually anger pointed inward means there are a lack of outer boundaries. Maybe boundary setting could be a skill to work on.

Just some thoughts