Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby
Oh I really don't want to be in therapy for 30 years! It's that balance isn't it between working at processing but at a pace that allows you to have your life externally. Continually getting upset and having days unable to function isn't worthwhile, I'd rather not do therapy! Thanks for your support.
Magicalprince - thank you that relates to my issues substantially. I have tried avoiding it and carrying on, and I'm trying to give it a space but it's impossible with no course of action as it leaves me feeling helpless because there is nothing I can *do* and that just reignites the anger/hurt etc. What do you mean live more organically? I've been trying to just get by for so long, that now I want some help that makes sense. I want ways to decompress, to not feel so horrid unable to function at times. I like your ideas. I'm very good at setting external boundaries to others and saying no. But if I'm talking about something that is near a pain (often I'm unaware of this till after) then I don't have any boundaries. The person doesn't do anything objectively wrong to me, but I feel that they've lashed out or walked away from me....and I have to work so hard at remembering that isn't true and then at not acting as though that happened because that's what a bit of me wants to do and is catapulted into action due to it. I can't act as though it is real when I'm aware enough now to know this is a pattern for me and it's not. I wonder how I can get internal boundaries? Is that possible? I try to restrain myself outwardly and when I'm in the good mindspace I have great emotional intelligence and can deal with issues well. It's just then I fall dramatically and at random without any warning and I lose all my skills. It's irritating but also even if I had the skills, there is nothing to use them on. Does this make any sense? Thanks for your help. I welcome having it normalised and supported as not being entirely complex. It gives me hope there is a key I can find!
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Well, I'm thinking of life like a puzzle sort of. Everything can be out of place and things won't really work correctly. But all the components are always there.
It's really about putting the pieces back in their rightful place. On one hand you can go into theorizing mode and imagine all kinds of different puzzles but at the end of the day there is one single puzzle in front of you that is yours to solve. So that's what I mean about living more organically. Not from a place of theory and ideas but from within the already existing and already known overall picture of your life.
So rather than saying, I have to solve a puzzle? What am I gonna do? How do puzzles work??
It's more like, hmmm where should I move this one piece? Or this other piece? Where would they fit best?
You kind of have to keep experimenting and seeing what works and doesn't work. For example, maybe the feeling that you need to take action is a symptom of a bad belief. Obviously that feeling is not working since you can't take action.
If you can't take action, then why do you think you need to take action?
Maybe you are taking responsibility for something that is actually someone else's responsibility.
I know that's what I've done with my T. Not wanting to accept the obvious, that she simply didn't care about me in the way I wanted her to.
So that's a misplaced puzzle piece. The desire to act is coming from the belief that she cares about me even though she has given me very clear evidence that she does not care about me, at least not in a way that reflects who I really am and what I really need.
So I can't act on that, I shouldn't feel like I want to act on that, and also, that action piece is misplaced and that is somehow holding me back from taking some
other action that is the one I really
should be taking. Like finding a new T, or otherwise meeting new people, or otherwise taking my own steps to solve my problems. The reason I won't do those things is a belief that I need my ex T to fill a hole in my self esteem and the only way to change that belief is by sucking it up and acting as if it isn't true. Which means, rather than sitting around wanting to take the action I can't take, turning around and deciding I am going to take some other, more accessible kind of action.
I guess that's just my situation though. Don't know if it helps but I really hope you can start finding some solutions.
