Forgive me for being this blunt, BUT -- No, no, no! It is NOT unhealthy to HATE an abuser!!! Those who abused us as children did not want us to be angry and hate them, because that would threaten their control and risk responsible adults intervening. For that reason, abusers often try to intimidate their victims into silence. We are given no room for all of our feelings. Feeling anger today is a very healthy emotion. You deserve to feel angry. It is very affirming to declare, through your anger, that you were wronged, that it was not your fault -- that it was the fault of the person who harmed you. As adults, we begin to understand better the full extent of the impact of our childhood trauma. It does effect how we raise our children, at the very least because the aftermath of abuse detracts from our energy that we would rather give to our children. That impact is something to be angry about, something worth hating someone for.

Do not be afraid to embrace your anger or hatred. The emotion is telling you something. It is your inner self affirming that have been harmed, so you need to re-affirm your worth as an individual and work to heal yourself. Hate reflects pain. It's not unlike feeling pain from a physical injury, like a cut. It tells you that you need a band aid. Mental pain and anguish -- feeling hatred -- tells you that you need a mental band aid. You are still in pain and need to heal.

Hate only becomes destructive if you allow it to be misdirected to someone other than the abuser. That includes misdirecting it onto yourself. Too often, as abuse survivors, we doubt our worth to others. Too often, we hate ourselves and hurt ourselves as a result. I see you in your words attacking your own worth as a parent. You have every right to be a parent, even as you struggle with your past. In time, the strength that you will build in recovery will combine with your love to empower you to be an even greater parent than you already are - somthing proven with your genuine expression of love for your children. As your work to heal, please take comfort in your life as a parent. It will be very empowering to you in recovery to focus as much each day on the joy of raising your children as it will be to focus on the pain from your past. Todays joys can help you heal. You deserve that. Your children deserve to have you in their lives -- you have shown great courage already in opening up your feelings and reaching out for help. You have shown great care and sensitivity for others in your comments here. I am certain that your children are already growing from seeing those values in you.

be well,

mtd