my therapist was a little worried too I think.. but I want to be happy too bad to let that happen, she asked if I want to go to the hospital for a couple days, which a part of me does, but a larger part says hell no because I tried it one time and things just became more complicated... It was kinda a traumatic experience for me... Im a country boy and they took me to the city... Tall buildings make me dizzy.. and having to have a roommate... And all I wanted to do was run away and find a forest to hide in... I don't even know why I went last time... But I can't remember anything ever anyway so im used to that... I just don't normally let that kind of thing happen, I guess I was desperate though... Desperate now, but I don't want to be locked up..

T said something about expansion and contraction... That because I have been trying hard to connect with people and enjoy myself during period of expansion I collapsed into a contraction ... I can't remember exactly how she said it but im gonna try to read about it...

At one point she asked me what feelings I was having at that Moment and I was like I dunno, empty I guess, and she said I just had a blank look, talking about one of the traumatic moment s.. I still don't really have feelings about it... But I think sometimes I should of killed him instead of letting him live and get away.. but she said that just shows and is proof of the kind of person I am, because im supposed to be thinking of who I am, form an identity, which she said I value life highly, and i like that.. I want to be a good person, I just have to figure out who I am... It's okey to be myself she said...

I just wish I wasn't so stressed out

I hate talking to her and realize I been running in circles for 20 minutes and confused about what I was trying to say in the first place, but I guess that's part of the other problem I have.. hiding myself because I just want to be accepted.. strange how that works(doesn't)

I have another long weekend ahead of me, I hope I can get through it without too many triggers, but so much drama, im sure it's gonna be hard

Thanks for giving me a space to try to express myself and my deepest desires, even though I don't know what they are [emoji813]