I am in love with a woman who lives 2800 miles away. I am hurting right now and don't know what to do. I've been crying for the past 2 days, drinking to go to sleep, drinking in the morning to take the pain away - not being able to concentrate or work. I need help.

She and I have been friends for almost 4 years. We got together 3 months before I moved and we've been up and down ever since I left. When times were going well, I was the happiest person in the world. When times were not so well, I was the saddest.

I've been gone for 3 months and a month ago, she ended the relationship. When she broke up with me, she said, she could not give me what I needed (at this point I was asking for a simple phone call to let me know she loved me as she became busy - I felt her separating from the relationship and asked her to just call to say I love you every now and then and to let me know that things will be okay - she said she couldn't do that). She also said she still thought of her ex (she had broken up with her ex about a month before we decided to start our relationship) and she also told me that the distance was too much. So, I agreed, was devastated and asked for a week to myself (ie, no phone calls). She called and sent emails which gave me hope but a part of me was trying to separate myself from the situation. As time went by she began to call us "separated" but working on a relationship. I'm in love with her and I want to marry her eventually (if there's hope). She still said I love you every now and then, we'd argue every now and then....it was like being together but not.

I wanted to break apart from this back and forth. I tried separating myself more and more but I still kept leaning to her for support and love. This weekend, I had sex with someone else - I wanted to break the dependency. I don't know why, but I felt extremely guilty afterwards. My ex called and could tell I was down and asked what was wrong. I kept saying nothing and she finally asked after 20 questions, if I had been sleeping with other women. I didn't answer the question, just cried harder and she exploded. She started crying, saying that our love meant nothing to her, that she doesn't believe in love, that she should have stayed with her ex (who's abusive), that her ex would never have done what I did, etc... (the status of our relationship was open - we talked about sleeping with other people in order to clarify the term "separated" and she said it didn't matter - she knew we were risking our relationship by separating and that going out with others was fine).

Now she's not talking to me - she said she needed time away. I know I love her - I'm in love with her and I want to be together with her for the rest of our lives but I also know that this isn't the right time. I just need help, support, encouragement, and I want to make this pain go away. Does anyone have advice?

(Thanks for just listening. It helps to just get it out....I still don't have a lot of friends out here so it's hard to find people to talk to).

-Ride