My T is a schema therapist and thus uses 'limited reparenting' in her work with me. I've mixed feelings about it - I crave it, yearn for it. It's like being given water in a lifetime of parched desert. But it arouses A LOT of pain within me - the contrast between her care and my family's lack of caring and cruelty.

I keep telling myself "Her care isn't real", "I'm just her job" even though I bloody well know that in all the Schema Therapy Clinician books, they emphasize the need for the therapist to "genuinely care", for the therapist to be willing to "get emotionally close". The books also talk about how the goal is for the client to form a secure attachment to the T, within the boundaries of the (supposedly more flexible than most modalities) therapy relationship.

I also regularly get angry (even shouting) at her that the contrast hurts like hell before crashing into weeping because of the pain. I've self harmed in front of her out of self hatred, self anger, shame/guilt for desiring care, out of desire to ease pain.

She tries, she really does...to be warm, nurturing, firm with me when I'm punitive towards myself - eg self harm in session to shove her away. Gentle towards my hurting "vulnerable child" (which I regularly abuse, my VC, that is).

I get to hug her briefly. I've gone up to 4 hugs in one hard session. She doesn't hug back though, and I always have to initiate the hug. I used to keep asking if she was really okay with it and she has told me over and over that she is. I've hugged her even after my shirt had tears and snot (ewwww) and she's really genuinely seemed undisgusted by me. I used to ask her if I'm too disgusting to hug, she'd stand up and open her arms and ask "You're not disgusting. Do you want to hug me or not?"

I get to give her long long long letters (they have gone up to 50+ A4 pages typed in font size 12 in one month of no sessions) which she reads at her own pace but I know she reads and cares about their content.

I can message her out of session, though her boundary is she won't reply, yet she's proven by quoting my words from memory or referring to certain messages that she does read.

Recently I asked if I could have continued contact with her when I move and thus inevitably have to end therapy - she said yes.

She's promised (and kept her word. We've had ruptures when I misunderstood her and thought she was taking things away) that she'll never give what she will later resent.