thanks perna. it was a bit weird. we sat in silence for a while. i... didn't want to say this because i didn't want to make him feel bad / didn't want him to feel like i was trying to make him feel bad... but i felt like nothing that i had to say mattered. like there were lots of different things that i could think of to talk about, but that he would think they were all my avoiding or something. i told him that i felt like that after some time, though.

and we talked some... talked about how sometimes i feel like i misrepresent myself and people agree to take me on (in my work, in therapy) because they think the misrepresentation is a representation. but then they are disappointed and wish i'd just go away. that i worried that he would feel like that...

about how i feel like people just wish i would go away quite a lot. about how i'm changing in my belief... but that it is slow. that sometimes i'm unreliable because i promise to do something then don't end up doing it and i figure that really it is for the best because people don't want me there anyway. that i'm trying to change that but that it is hard sometimes.

about how sometimes i cope with hardish things okay. like how there are turns about in who the 'favourite person' or people are in the department and about how it can be hard sometimes when you feel like people don't listen to you / don't respect what you have to say / aren't interested in what you have to say. but that that changes over time... and how when i'm in a good place i can be okay about it all but when i'm not in a good place it doesn't take me much to have me really floored by it. paranoia and isolation.

we talked about all kinds of stuff, i guess.

and he said that it must have got me more than he realised that he said i was avoiding... and i said, yeah, it did. i said i didn't want to define myself as a trauma survivor. that these other things in my life are important to me. are an important part of who i am. he said something about how he didn't want to define me as a trauma survivor either... then said something... and he kind of triggered me.

i said that the trouble is (with the theorists) that they think that 'oh this person is functioning fairly well and they need to function so they aren't in the place to do the work'. and the person who isn't functioning so well / who can avoid to fall into non-functioning is someone who is placed to do the work. and... that that seems wrong to me. for them to judge that the person who is functioning highly isn't in a position to know themselves (or something like that). that the person who completely falls apart... when they manage to get themselves together... is somehow better off than that other person.

that i didn't buy it.

and... i don't. i worry that i misrepresent myself. i worry that if i say what i really think / what i really want then he will reject me.

so... i don't know what i want half the time. i don't know what to say. i don't know who i am. i don't know.

and we will see..