If you DONT have at least semi decent parents, it leaves a longing in you that never ever goes away. A force so powerful its like nothing else I've ever felt. I functioned as an adult, but that need was always there, like floodwaters ready to break down a levy. One trigger and I was plunged into despair. Like around Christmas was always nearly unbearable. All the commercials with families and kids. I'd be suicidal the whole season.

Now, I don't feel that anymore. I can see those types of things and tell myself "now, I know how it feels to be that loved." The deep pain has turned to a mildish ache or some times just to the ability to fully appreciate others happiness.

I still function as an adult all the time and even in session, its like I function as adult who is ALLOWING certain sorts of caretaking, that i need the way you'll let a nurse help you dress when you are badly injured.

Plus the sheer joy she takes in being with me is pretty cool, and somehow allows me to exist in multiple ways at once---as an adult who has to get to work as soon as I get out of session, and as a beloved child who wants one more hug.......