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alexandra_k said:
but i felt like nothing that i had to say mattered. like there were lots of different things that i could think of to talk about, but that he would think

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It took me awhile not to "bother" with what my therapist was doing/thinking and to just work on what I was saying and what I was getting from what I was saying (and from what my T was saying). Therapists (and all other people) are basically just a "tool" for reflecting so we can see our own thoughts and actions better.

That we are high functioning and "hide" our difficulties well does not mean we don't have just as difficult difficulties as the person who falls apart! It just means we don't let them appear in our mirrors so our mirrors cannot know we have them! We cause ourselves additional problems by thus making ourselves invisible. The others have no choice but to believe we haven't difficult problems because we are so good at hiding.

At some point a decision has to be made about whether to show and tell the "truth" (to ourselves, foremost!) and present what is in us to the mirrors. We cannot fix what cannot be seen/reflected to us to fix. It does no good to know things inside ourselves as they can't get out to be fixed. Wanting something from someone else; the ONLY way to get it is to ask them for that thing. Misrepresenting ourselves doubles our pain because it either is found out and we disappoint/anger others or it is not found out but we do not get what we want because we are not in the place we have represented ourselves as being in. The mirror reflects the misrepresentation and it "misses the mark."