I know I have been posting about this in the forums a lot lately but I have been really introspective and finally figured out how to word what's going on with me. This is my last post about it, I promise. I'm just hoping someone can relate and maybe offer some advice on how to be a better person and move on from here...I cannot see a therapist right now and spend hours each day feeling devastated and like I will never change/get out of this personality that I'm stuck with.
I am severely socially anxious and deeply insecure. I have no friends, just family and a boyfriend. I have control issues with my boyfriend, basically revolving around me trying to control his drinking to the point where I only feel like I can "allow" him to have a couple drinks at the end of the day, rather than 6 drinks. I think I may be abusive, because I get passive aggressive when he drinks too much and I try to manipulate him all the time to drink less. I have a deep hatred for alcohol in general as well, and I'm not sure why...I'm afraid it has to do with lack of control.
Also, in high school I believed I was less than everyone and very inferior. I began pathologically lying to compensate, and some of that habit has still stuck with me (I'm now 22). I hate that I do it so much, but I get so nervous in social situations that at this point it almost seems unconscious and unintentional. However, up until 3-ish weeks ago, I've also intentionally lied to avoid blame/rejection and I realized I have never held myself accountable publicly for almost anything, ever. I have never been honest about my mistakes and taking the blame has been unbearable for me. When I do get blamed for mistakes, I am extremely defensive. However, I've realized this and want to stop.
Looking back, I've never really been good with having friends and in high school it seemed like I always wanted to be friends with people who were "at the same level" as me popularity wise, and then I would tell them a bunch of lies to make myself seem more popular. I was completely terrified of the people I felt were "superior" to me. To this day I'm constantly comparing myself to others and had originally accepted that I was socially inept because of my lack of desire for friends, feelings of insecurity and awkwardness around others, my boring life, etc. But lately, it seems as though I have gone back to a coping mechanism of thinking I am "better" than some people or more intellectual than them or "deeper" than them or not able to be understood by them and that's why I have no friends. It feels like I believe I'm both better AND worse than other people. I don't understand it.
Most of the people I know in this town are my boyfriend's friends, who all drink heavily, and I think partially the feeling of "being better" comes with my hatred of drinking. I do believe that people who don't drink are better to be around. I do not want to feel superior for not drinking though, and yet I do. I think that since I don't want to hang out with people who drink, I make the excuse that I need to find a group of friends who also doesn't like to drink and can have fun doing other activities. But wouldn't this be like the narcissistic belief of believing you should only hang out with other "special" people?
To make matters worse, I have really bad OCD and spend hours ruminating about this and other things, so that I am largely only focused on myself. I always feel like my condition is "the worst" and that therapists I have seen in the past couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through because my condition is somehow too bad. I also realize now that this is untrue and would like to change my deep-seated beliefs about this. My constant worrying about myself and different situations leads me to be very selfish, and feel the need to exert a lot of control over my environment, myself, and others.
I have read that narcissists don't feel a lot of empathy, but I do feel like I can be empathetic. The thing is, I often feel completely overwhelmed with my own anxieties and insecurities to the point where I feel like I can't handle worrying about the problems of other people as well, or I will break completely. I do enjoy to help others though, but only when I'm not feeling totally overwhelmed. I also feel that liking to help others comes from the feeling of pride I get of knowing that I helped someone else (which would also be selfish).
Basically I'm at the point where I know that if I do have covert narcissism, it has come about as the result of being a perfectionist and having severe anxiety and low self esteem for many years. I don't want to be mean to others, but I feel as though secretly in my mind I am always referring to myself as having great potential, and I imagine myself growing up to make a difference in the world and be recognized. I have read that narcissists expect to be recognized as being great without having the commensurate achievements, and that's how I've felt on occasion. Like I expect to get a good job someday, even though I am lazy, scared, and often less than perfect at my current job (and those are things I would never admit to anyone before, btw). I want my family to tell me I'm doing a good job where I'm at, even if I'm secretly falling short of both mine and their standards.
Sometimes I feel "different", or even special. Sometimes, I do feel entitled. But at the same time I also feel like the worst person in the world, deserving of nothing. Deep down I feel a lot of shame.
Is this just "growing up"? Or is this mindset more difficult to grow out of. Am I a horrible person?
I guess, where does social anxiety cross the line into covert narcissism? And what can I do about it?