Did it again.. im so ashamed of myself.. I don't wanna be around anyone anymore ever....

Like a puppet... I just want it to stop.. I just want to hide... It's not fair.. why is this happening to me...

Scared...

i know why its happening... but i dont know what to do about it..
helping to raise a child is not an easy thing.. trying so hard to get better is not easy..
they say 1 day at a time... i try to go one moment at a time.. but i end up making it all worse, thinking im doing good things.. but later guess what..? "You're a fool, stop acting retarded, acting nice, acting like everything is fine, You think that makes it better? You're just causing problems by getting attention! You need to stop, Stop talking to people, Stop letting people see you, Stop trying to be happy because you can't be happy, Stop pretending like its all going to be ok, Knock it off"

i just want to be alone.. but i cant get away.. im stuck in this god forsaken hole and just no way to get out... if i do get out, look what happens.. just going to try to hide for ever... hopefully the people that saw me will forget about it all... im NOT that happy and fun and i dont want to try anymore.. just want to stay in the closet and lock the doors with the lights off... i dont want any attention... but boy did i get it last night... supposed to be good thing, but no... become the center of attention, life of the party, everyone happy and having fun, and i attack myself for trying to relax...
See what happens when you let your guard down?
i just want to get out... im so tired... im probably going to end up back in the hospital aren't i...