to be honest i dont know what i am, like i tell T all i know i am is confused

im trying so hard

i dunno how to make things work better.. i've been like this for ever...
its always been about staying out of trouble, trying to stay safe, survive you know, but im worried that its just hurting me more than anything now and all of my natural reflexes are counter productive and becoming dangerous..

i dont really have any say so in the matter it seems... i've wanted to talk many times before, to try to connect with people, but it doesnt work so swell.. its just something that happens, i guess i so desperately dont want to be ridiculed for my short commings that when ever the social stuff arises it all just disapears... and then i become another form.. avoidance.. but i dont do it on purpose... i dont even realize it... until later like now...
just feels like a big act and im not even invited to the play...

its wearing me out...