im new to the site so hi everyone.

first off, my boyfriend, luckily, has a degree in ciminology and is an expert in the study of battered womens syndrome and explained it all to me. my ex boyfriend is an alcoholic and used to hit me. well not just hit me, spit in my face, call me names, shove me into the fridge, throw my stuff outside and break my things etc...

also, there have been a few times with a few different guys where I have said no and they persisted. once when I was 14 but I didnt think it was rape because it was digital, not with his penis. Then again when i was 16 and that I knew was rape and left him the next day.

it seems like even now that its been years since all that (im 20 now) sometimes i just get this overwhelming fear of my boyfriend and just burst out in tears in the middle of sex for, what seems like, no reason. he is super understanding and never gets mad at me for any of it. but i just cant figure out why I cant get over this fear of men. it used to be that he couldnt even hug me. if he ever grabs my wrist just joking around it scares the hell out of me. He can never be above me or on top of me because it scares me. We have been together for almost 2 years and Im really sick of being so scared. Its not just with him. If im walking the dog at night I feel like there is also someone around me. I have nightmares that my ex boyfriend is beating me and trying to kill me. I never pressed charges because I was 17 and didn't fully understand what was going on. I went to the cops once and tried to get a restraining order but they blew it off as stupid teenage drama.

In fact, the other day he got my phone number from a friend and started calling me again at 2 am - after over 2 years!!

I didnt know if anyone had been through this before and had some suggestions.