im really trying hard to do everything right, dont make any more mistakes, but responsibilities are difficult for me... not because im irresponsible, but because im terrified

im very reluctant to make assumptions anymore, very reluctant to assume that i can possibly understand my condition, because i thought i was able to grasp the reality of things before.. but my attempts at making sense of things caused rejection by doctors, i felt attacked and disregarded.. i felt unheard, uncared for, untrusted, like a liar and manipulator, when all i wanted was to figure things out..

im very reluctant to come here and write about thoughts of my condition because who am i to assume that i have any issues at all?
because i know how much it hurts and what pain feels like, and i know how much some of you all here have been through and who am i to compare anything i have been through to any one elses experience..?

im afraid of being seen, being heard, when thats all i want is to be seen and heard.. to be found, helped, to rely on someone and trust that others aren't going to hurt me and that im not just going to be abused by everyone and laughed at... to be ridiculed for feeling the way i do and experiencing things the way they are...

to be yelled at AGAIN for thinking that i might know whats wrong with me, like the doctors did before and disregarding everything i say because im just being obsessive manic compulsive or who knows what...

to offend others because they maybe experienced abuse worse... or that maybe my experience shouldn't feel like abuse at all and just be completely normal...

i don't think i have ever givin any back story... and im ashamed to, im afraid of being discovered by anyone that knows me in real life and they to look back at how many ridiculous posts i have made...

briefly... my parents were not ready to be parents... and they still arent, they just dont have the ability to get along very well... my mother was a preacher at one point but that fell through as well... they fought pretty much all the time...
we didnt have things we needed... sometimes electricity even... no food... clothing... they abused alcohol and drugs and we left to raise ourselves for the most part... no one to comfort you because you are always afraid, the parents are either angry or afraid themselves.. to not be shy to physical discipline because of little things... to not have someone to tell you that its ok...
to have a psychopathic sociopathic narcisistic psychotic schizophrenic step brother that will pop in and catch the house on fire or throw you in a pond where you see nothing but escape and accept fate that your 4 years on this planet have concluded and its time for you to leave... to have multiple attacks... to live in constant fear... to be stripped away from it all and thrown into foster care... to be sent back home because things are supposed to be fixed... to be sexually abused... to just not even know what to know anymore...

i try to tell myself things are not normal... that my entire experience has been traumatic and that im still experiencing the traumas due to my living situation... but i feel pathetic and guilty because im so weak and supposed to be able to handle everything, i faced death multiple times and yet i cant get through a normal day...?

i have not received an accurate diagnosis in my entire 6 years in treatment... they dont seem to focus on diagnosising me where i go... they just focus on the symptoms they say, the diagnosis isnt so important as is the symptoms, have to get the symptoms under control... but i tell them that the diagnosis is kind of important... atleast important to me, to know what is wrong.. to understand... to grasp my reality...
to understand the symptoms wholely because anxiety from bipolar maybe different from anxiety from avoidant personality disorder or social phobia.... depression from borderline maybe different from bipolar depression... dissociative experiences may complicate everything...

i feel so messed up...

i read about dissociative identity disorder back in the beginning of this year sometime and it opened up a world of assumptions, possibilities, misunderstandings, fear, anxiety, joy, and just over all disturbing the already murky waters... i know i had read about dissociation before but i dunno why i just forgot about it or something and didnt pay attention to it... i sort of remember seeing it and just skipping over it like "nah, no sense in even touching that one"

i've been told i have avoidant personality traits and borderline personality traits as well...

im just trying to grasp things and try to make my life work... but im so completely and uterly overwhelmed.... this sensory processing disorder stuff that i have is really disturbing my ability to function...

what im wondering is.. is it possible to have dissociative identity disorder and be like this... or is it possible to have borderline personality and feel so severely out of it that it makes you feel like you have D.I.D. ...

im not looking for a diagnosis to myself just an understanding to these questions... i talk to the doctors the best i can but they are trying the best they can with their policies i guess... they aren't exactly interested in administering the DES or SCID-D or any type of assessments because they just want me to stabilize and have a life or something i dunno what their policies are....

all i can say is that i have taken the DES personally and my previous score i think from this month or last month was a 67... next time i take it im gonna write the dates down...

im just wondering if i can be so severely dissociative WITHOUT D.I.D. or if borderline can cause you to be in a time warp dissociative world where you lose yourself around every corner...

im so broken, im trying to find the pieces that i CAN put back together and make work... without destroying the progress i have made... if i have made any progress at all...

the last thing i want is to be rejected or attacked by anyone because of me seeking understanding... or to offend anyone...
im not interested in fitting into any group, im a loner and im perfectly fine being alone i suppose... im not exaggerating things even though it just sounds so messed up most of the time that it would seem that i must be exaggerating...
im not interested in pity or making other people feel sorry for me so that i can get attention... i dont much like attention... im just here for myself because im in trouble and its imperative that i figure this out before its too late and it consumes the bit of life i have left...

i hope this post is coherent... and i appreciate understanding...
i need answers so bad.. i dont want to keep seeing the years go by and the only thing i have to show for it is more and more confusion.... loneliness... pain... segregation... all of that stuff...

thank you..