yeah i experience a great deal of depersonalization and de-realization...

i have that thing opposite of deja vu... Jamais Vu... but i do have deja vu alot as well..
if feel out of place and out of time... distorted... i dont feel alive, im living in a personal hell but not in a psychosis kind of way it would seem to me... but who knows, i dont knows, maybe i am just psychotic too... but the antipsychotics and medications dont help...

fallen angel condemned to the misery of understanding ones own nature to come to terms with crimes against existence that i have committed over the many thousands of years that i may have been in existence... to learn ones mistakes and be offered another chance...

but i haven't done anything wrong in this life... its my purgatory... im not the offender... but the one to re-live the offenses... cant say how many times i said sorry, but if its true then this god doesnt really want me back..

i dont really think i have borderline because of the emotional instability with relationships which i dont have at all... my relationships are fine for the most part, i dont explode on people or just turn around and hate people ore extremely idealize people ... but then again im so largely avoidant that i guess no one is close enough to me for me to have unstable relationship...

its kind of like this.. i dont have an identity, i am no one, but i am everyone... i am the eyes, the visionary... i see things, i hypervigilant to the world, interpreting threats and bringing in what i can to keep myself as safe as possible...

but i do have identities, i just cant see them or feel them or understand because its on the other side of the ocean... im these identities with people and people could recognize me by them... but i cant explain them to you because they just are, its what happens to me to try to function in a half functional way to stay appropriate and proper in a society that i don't belong in...

so who am i..? i dunno, dont know much of anything besides im tired...
i dont want to die, i just want to get things in order so that i can have a real life, i want to come together as an individual that can say "THIS IS WHO I AM!!" instead of just simply being people and not even knowing who...

this is why i have so much depersonalization and derealization i think... because im a deep thinker and i try so hard...
i get obsessive and when i cant figure a puzzle out it drives me bonkers...

its like trying to figure out how was i just like that? what happened? now i feel pain, it hurts, but what does it all mean? now i cant remember that im in pain, my body is young and feels fine, im happy and people love to be around me, but now im confused, im empty and cant figure out why im just becoming... my head spins because these things are not fitting together, they cant fit together, they are not supposed to be able to exist within the same body, how is it possible to be so suicidal and hate life, hate people, hate everything, and turning around and caring so much about life, my life, happiness, to want to fight for it, and then having to fight internally because it would seem that im just destroying myself and inevitably going to fail because maybe like mom said im just possessed by some demonic forces that want to take me...

which wouldn't suprise me ...

but that just makes me sound delusional...

the first time i can remember experiencing dp/dr i was 4 years old... but i think i had to experience it before then too because it was so powerful in this memory... and then i just disappeared...

thanks for your well wishes friend...