the therapist im seeing now is looking more at the trauma i think... i think she's telling the others at the clinic some things too which is really helpful...

she keeps mentioning developmental trauma disorder, before they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor (which i wasn't and cant understand why they would say such a thing to someone thats just trying to understand what in the world is happening to them...)
and telling me im bipolar and just telling me i have mood swings that go up and down and that i take the medicine and it will make it better, which it didnt, and they just didnt care about what i had been through... its scary having to try to face the fact that you have mental illness... its scary trying to face it alone... its scary when no one hears you or understands you... its scary when you cant understand yourself...

but im not bipolar... its not cyclical mood swings... its not like that at all... i can be triggered from fine into a suicidal mess... its all triggers and everything triggers me... there is not much of a pattern that i can see, i cant even realize my own triggers because its so fast that i dont know its happening - i want to run away so bad but i have no where i can go...

i feel so horrible about posting this... i just keep hearing, i dont want to talk about it, i dont want to talk about it, I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
i want it to just be better, but im scared that i cant fix it at all and if i cant get a handle on things then its just going to get so much worse so quick... im running out of time...

sorry for being so cynical and depressing...