I've not had your traumatic childhood experiences nor read a lot of your previous posts so I cannot say that I relate to your whole situation but this is my life. I am very happy with my life, I enjoy my life a lot. I have great family, friends, work and I am fortunate to be fortunate in how I live to eek out a lifestyle that suits me very well. If you asked me if I was happy, I'd say absolutely. I love my life. Then....if I become upset or depressed or listen to the pain inside me which I try to ignore as much as humanly possible in order to not have it drown out my life, then I become angry, depressed, life is not worth living, I forget why I care about it, I want to say 'screw it'. This is as honest as when I say I love my life...when I say I want to get rid of it all, I mean it just as much. And simultaneously I can say I love my life...but I want it to all go away as I despise it. The few people I'm honest with or at least talk about this stuff with become utterly confused that I can talk in contradictions and it upsets me they say this to me as sometimes I can't hear it and sometimes I don't know what to do, which one is the truth. They're both true even if they dont make sense together. This is exactly where I get stuck too, no longer do I want to self harm because I love my life but also who cares if I self harm, it is just my body and a life I hate anyway. I think holding those two bits together is incredibly difficult, then let the young fear part in (that's the worst to me!) and life gets hard. How do you describe yourself to others when you both totally and utterly and yet also simultaneously love, hate, are fearful of your life? If I can't be coherent then how can I expect others too? So yes, I get this part. But I guess they may be hugely more extreme thsn others may experience but they're all normal and human reactions to painful experiences. Most people do hold conflicting feelings all at once, hard to believe isn't it?! I'm not saying yours are only feelings, just that they're not demonic either. They're incredibly human.

I have no answers for you, perhaps until you feel more stable you need to break it down day by day. What is it today or this week that will help you feel more stable and solid. A routine? Certain childish foods? Meeting with friends and distracting? Cleaning your room? I know these sound ridiculous in response to what you're talking about...but they may help a little. I hugely understand what it is like to feel alone and confused with yourself, sometimes focusing outwards more helps a bit. At least till you're ready to go internal again to start figuring it out. Your therapist could help give you skills for thks like those grounding ones.