No, it wasn't rambling! I found your points to be very helpful, thank you!
The only thing is, at the same time as I am very self-defeating, there is also this other defensive, selfish side of me that tries to make me feel superior to compensate, leaving me feeling simultaneously better AND worse than others and leaving me alone with no friends.
I agree it would be good to raise my self esteem, but I don't want to over inflate my ego even more in doing so and how does one going about doing that?