thanks... before i started focusing on this i didnt pay attention to it... i knew something was wrong but i just tried to ignore it as much as possible..

now it just drives me crazy because its like seeing yourself in the mirror like this



having this memory problem on top of it is really disturbing me....

i am definitely trying to go one day at a time... but its really difficult because im around so many triggers...

i dont have any friends... the people that know me are people that i think i probably shouldn't be around as they will just cause me to get high or drunk and become whatever it is i have been doing my whole life and trying to get away from..
but i have never had a friend, only acquaintances that share the same mentallity that arises... "get F*CKD up and die trying"

people at the clinic trying to get me to go socialize with other members of the clinic so i can meet others but im in such a rotten place right now i really dont want to see anyone... i just want to disappear... i dont have a routine anymore, since we moved last year it was demolished... i dont eat very much because i just dont really like eating...

i escape inside the mind alot...

im trying to make things better though... it just hurts so much some times...

feel so pathetic.. what a self loathing self pitying load of crock...