One of the worst things about depression, IMHO, is the way I can go from feeling positive and optimistic to gloom-and-doom at the flick of a switch. I've been getting stressed out from my job again, but to my surprise, last week I finally worked up the nerve to do something about it by looking online for something else. Not only that, but I felt downright confident about it. I found four jobs I wanted to apply for, all in a different area, which is good because I feel like I need a change of scenery. One of them would actually be in the same city my brother works in... which leads to the first stumbling block.

For someone who is a psychiatrist, my bro seems to have little sympathy for my condition. He claims to understand what I am going through because we are siblings and thus very similar; however while we are indeed very similar, we are also very different. For example, take my dad and his brother. My dad, while by no means a great man, has been pretty successful. My uncle, on the other hand, is a brilliant engineer who works as a handyman because he responded to the pressures of life by becoming an alcoholic.

Anyway, last Monday, I texted bro asking him some questions about the city he works in because I was thinking of applying for a job there. I followed that up with another saying, "Well, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, I haven't even put in the application yet, let alone been offered an interview." His response - and I am not exaggerating - was, "Well give me a call and we'll talk, Captain Optimism."

Now I'll admit I have a tendency to get angry quickly, but that really pissed me off. I had a bad day at work as it was and I didn't need that, nor do I feel I deserved it. Had I said, "Well I don't know why I'm even trying because I won't get it anyway," then his response may have been appropriate. So I texted him back and said, "And we're done." And I haven't spoken to him since, and he probably doesn't care anyway.

So anyway, the rest of the week I thought I was doing pretty good. I applied for the first of the four jobs Tuesday night (the deadline was Wednesday) and had a couple good days at work. Thursday morning I saw my therapist and had a good talk with her about the BS with bro and the stress involved in applying for the jobs. Then that day I got to work and I thought I was doing good but instead I got another chewing-out from my boss. After that I was very nervous and anxious about my performance for the rest of that day and all of Friday.

BUT... Friday it also seemed like things got a little better, because that morning I got a call on my phone and I recognized the area code as being from the area where I had applied for the job. I thought, "WOW, it's only been two days and they're already calling me!" So on lunch I listened to the message and the guy wasn't as enthusiastic as I hoped; he even said in the message that he didn't think I quite understood what they wanted (I'm heavily paraphrasing there but you get the idea.) And with all the other garbage going on it just felt like all my confidence dissolved like warm jello and here I was again, destined to be stuck in this miserable job forever. Or even if I could get this job, now I'm not even sure I want it, and I'm right back in the unending cycle of confusion and indecision about what to do with my life. Thank God I have Tuesday off and get to see my therapist again that day.