AVerySadThrow,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way about yourself. In a way, thoughts are habits. The more you do something, think something, the more ingrained it becomes. It's not your fault. It just kind of is human nature. Something you said about self help books making you feel worse, made me think about something I read today (in a self help book, ironically). It basically said that positive affirmations don't work and can literally make people feel worse, especially if they don't believe what the affirmation says. I want to tell you that it (low self esteem, negative inner critic) can get better with time. There's a quote about a canyon, being made basically by a the perseverance of a river, and that's how I look at creating new habits and thought patterns. It takes constant practice and repetition to make progress. I've been working at it a long time. Still not there, but I find it worth it. I was wondering if you are in therapy? The right therapist can really help. Also wanted to say, that you said no one is interested in you, but it looks like people here on this forum including me, want to help and are interested in you and your story. Just something to think about. In terms of the "write 50 good things about yourself"? Yeah don't do that, lol. I wouldn't be able to find that many about myself either. Start with 1. The fact that you are trying, counts a lot. I can see that being a strength right there.