Thank you Rapunzel. It is really, helpful to me, to recieve affirmation. I havent been successful in my life, although I talk sometimes in a cavalier way about the disorder, I know it has corroded every aspect of my life. It would be a long story to go into here.
So, when I discovered the understanding, first, Sam Vaknin, then Masterson + co, I didnt stop reading, and stil havent stopped. Its like with 'the determination of a drowning man', because, I am drowning. I know it sounds dramatic, but theres truth.
So, when I get recognition for my truth, it is like a help to build my life raft. Its the recognition of my reality that, like so many of us I didnt get in formative years. My mum was N. ish, and me and my sisters were products of her fantasy world, we were actors with which she aimed to trample on anything 'ordinary' aka real, which she forever tried to get out of. There were 3 of us girls, we split into the 3 disorders that I have read about: borderline, narcissist, and me exile, (aka schiziod). But I was in recovery for many years when I came accross this understanding, maybe thats why I have learnt to connect in someways and i dont always seem like the classic schiz. But if you knew how much time I spent alone and how much in fantasy conversations, you'd probably recongise more of the classic type of behaviour. Even my deeply emotional response to here, PC, is schizish because I have invested emotionally here whilst not haveing such intense emotional relationships IRL.

Thank you for listening, and giving me the opportunity to pour all this out.