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I can relate to the despairing anxiety of never being able to know what others 'truly' think of you. I would say it consumed my life and made me completely miserable from about 12 to 20 years old. I find the Eleanor Roosevelt quote both accurate and comforting:
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."
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"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of their marvels." - Francisco de Goya
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