This may or may not be triggery. I don't know. This is Veda, btw. Mostly. I think. I keep slipping off and then Amsterdam is here. Then Gwen. Gr.

Trying to keep self grounded and centered. Get self grounded and centered. Keep grounded and centered. I am typing hoping this helps get my head straight. Check myself or something.

I needed a nap. I went up to my room to take one. I nodded off a bit. I live in a house with two other people. A spouse and a grown step son who is back home for a bit. The spouse works full time and goes to school full time. Today spouse will be gone all afternoon. Step son was gone. The house was empty when I went up for nap.

Nodded off. It's windy and my window is cracked. Air pressure makes the door knock around a bit. No biggie. Made sure the door is shut so it won't fly open. I always keep the door shut anyway my room is my sanctuary, my go and hide place. No one except the spouse ever has come in my room. No kids allowed thing. None of them. Ever. It's kinda a big deal to have a place in the house where myself and others in my system can go and know we are safe and alone. I need this. They know to stay out.

I also happen to be a weird, paranoid person who has had people just show up in their room. Had a junkie mom and she had nutcase people and yeah sometimes someone would just come in and maybe take some stuff. Also I was robbed several years ago and woke when some random dude opened my door and was standing in the door way. So also it's in general a bad idea to open my door while I am in there because I might trip the (blank) out and lob something at someone's head or worse. It happens. I'm reactionary. Not just me either. Miranda will do worse that throw things. She attacks.

So nap time and I'm nodding off and I 'feel' someone. Maybe a bad dream, right? Tell myself I'm being paranoid and to stop it and enjoy nap time. Then I wonder if I hear my door nob or was it just the wind knocking the door and fueling my paranoia. Then my frickin door opens. I move, door shuts, footsteps down the stairs. I tell myself to calm down and make sure it's not the spouse skipping class or something. Look out the window. Nope. No car. Maybe the car is in front? Go look out window in the front of the house. It's my step son getting in his car and driving off.

I know it's not generally a big deal for a child to wonder into a parents room. He's 21 at this point in life and we have lived together in this house since 2002. Never in the last 14 years we have been in this house have any of my children been allowed in my room. Ever. All of them know this. He knows this. And what the hell was he doing in my room anyway? And why did he get the (blank) out of here when I moved? What was he up to?

And here's where my paranoia flies out of control and the crazy head chatter starts up and knocks me thirty some years back in time and I think of all the wacked out crap my mom's junkie friends did and how they'd steal my stuff and I want to scream. I'm irate. I'm still not sure how it was that I did not go flying out of the house, drag him back in and scream him up one side and back down the other. I wanted to. I'm glad I didn't. I really hate losing my temper. It takes a long time to bounce back from that crap.

I did some dishes. I find it helps me use logic brain over lizard brain if I can engage my senses and do the mindfulness thing. Hand washing dishes and literally using your hands... it helps chill me out some. But my frickin next door neighbor was staring out his window and looking right at me and that got me even more irate because I was starting to calm down some and quite the internal crazy talk before his gawky self showed up and wrecked that. Then I came out here, chained smoked and played some circuit puzzle. Not as helpful, but at least there are no neighbors staring in my window.

My heart rate is still up. My breathing is in check though. My hands and face are still kinda numb. I don't want to throw up. Breathe in 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, exhale, 2, 3, 4, hold 2, 3, 4... I am going nuts because someone opened a door. This is the opposite of logical. This leap of logic should have broken my legs. I love you ptsd. Gahhhhh!