You can't just "get over" trauma like a rape or physical abuse. That's what the nightmares are showing you, they're trying to help you.

Your boyfriend grabbing your wrist playing around reminded me of when my husband smacked me on the wrist when I was doing something dangerous (trying to turn on an appliance at the same time he was plugging it in -- he's an electrical engineer :-) to knock my hand away. My stepmother use to beat me so I was instantly filled with rage and only had enough control to ask him why he had smacked me. Fortunately I'm very "truthful" so with his explanation I realized I was the one at fault and he was not trying to hurt me or being capricious but trying to protect me. I was still angry by default (thanks to my stepmother's negative "training") but apologized instead of responding angrily to him.

What you "expect" from men is what you have experienced through your life. You cannot have learned in 2 years what 18 other years taught you differently. I would maybe get some counselling if you don't already.