This sounds terrible! And you sound like an extremely caring father.
I don't know where I got this impression because my mother never talked about sex with me but I always thought it was my duty to "satisfy" my husband when he asked. Not touching when you are married is not acceptable! I think it may be contributing more than you realize to your depression. I think I read somewhere that the chemical oxytocin is released when we touch one another and it is a "feel good" chemical. A chemical that depressed people really need. Even if a partner should not be forced to have sex then they should at least be able to hug you. Depressed people blame themselves way to much. You have a right to be upset about her behavior. When she averts her face, she must be thinking something about you while she is doing it. You have a right to know what it is that is causing her to act this way. Can you afford to go to a marriage counselor?
Do your daughters still live at home? If they are young, then if you and your wife can improve your relationship, then it will also have a good impact of the relationship with your children.
And I know from experience, that if I am drinking because I am depressed, I don't respond to people in a fashion that would make them look up to me. Alcohol is only good to drink when you are happy and celebrating. Can you give it up until things improve?
I know all this is easier to say than do. I feel bad talking this way because I am in a better place than I used to be but for about 5 years (while I was seriously depressed) I would drink more than I should after work when I was preparing dinner. For me, the alcohol deepened my depression. It is a depressant.
Everything you describe sounds heart-wrenching! I hope things get better. Sincerely, Myst