PS I do hope you are feeling a little better this morning. I know you are dealing with something that you cannot make go away easily. Give that you and your wife have been in a not great place for 12 years, it might take 12 more to improve the marriage and/or your depression. When spouses do not get along it is deeply affecting. For example, if my husband responds to me in an "irratable" way, I sometimes get a "heartbroken" feeling. Seeing a therapist is helping me with that. Please do not give up hope. You can make your life better and your children need you!