I’m not sure where I should post this, but since I’ve had these feelings for a long time, I decided to post here. I’m trying not to read to much on personality disorders because I heard that doing that can actually brainwash you into thinking that you actually have one (as with any kind of illness, most likely)? Opinions on whether or not this is serious or all in my head would be greatly appreciated. I want to get over this so badly.

I don’t ever remember not having a difficult time in my head. I’m close to my grandmother and am over at her house quite a bit. Like most older people, she likes to tell stories. She has told me about some strange things I used to do (well, I still do them..) when I was younger. People would have to shake me and tell me to “come back” often. I have always lived in my head. I used to have an entire world in there, but now it’s just different situations I want to be in (mostly romantic ideas). I used to go around and touch doorknobs. If I did not do this, I would become very anxious and cry. I still do some OCD type things now, but not as often. It’s usually only when I’m not feeling very well mentally and I’ll start doing things four times (cracking my knuckles, pouring a drink, clentching my muscles) or obsessively checking things like my myspace or e-mail. It’s not that big of a deal to me and it isn’t OCD because it isn’t taking over me completely. It is still kind of odd though. I think it’s just a way I have to deal with my anxiety. It has always been extremely hard for me to make friends. The friends that I do make, I end up pushing them away. I can’t figure out why I’m doing this and it’s so confusing!

For a few years in high school I was very preoccupied with death. I was afraid that everyone would die and leave me. I think that is when I started to really push people away. I just remembered that I used to be that way a few days ago and it has been bothering (scaring me, even) me ever since. How could I just forget what made me keep people at a distance? Well, when I was in 12th grade, my best friends dad committed suicide. She was the only one there when he did it and she was very traumatized. She wanted me to be there for her and stay with her at her house when her sister or mother weren’t there. I wasn’t there for her at all. I started to ignore her calls and completely blocked her out of my life. This was about 3 years ago and I still don’t know why I did it. I hate myself so much for doing that. I don’t really think about her a lot. We didn’t have much in common and she did annoy me a bit, but she was my friend, and when she wasn’t talking about herself (one of those friends who never lets the other friend say anything. Ever. Ah!), we had a lot of fun together. I’m thinking I was really depressed at the moment, but still… why would I do something so horrible to her? I can’t get over the fact that I usually end up leaving friends when they really need someone to be there for them.

I think for the past few years, I have just been avoiding everyone and everything. This summer was the first time I spent time with a friend, or really even considered a person to be somewhat of a friend, in many years (about 3?). I try to talk to her about how I feel but she doesn’t understand. The other day she got angry at me because I said I felt very badly when I was doing more than one thing at a time (I only go to college right now, I don’t have a job). She told me I had to get over it and be a responsible adult. This made me very upset. I didn’t say anything, I just looked at her. Then she told me maybe I needed medication. I was upset rest of the day I spent with her. There is this boy who goes to my college who had a crush on me a few months ago. He would always talk to me and ask me if I was okay. I always told him that I was, but I think he knew I wasn't. We talked about stuff and it was nice to be able to talk to a person about things, even though I didn't even tell him half of what I was feeling. It was still nice, you know? We haven't talked in a few weeks, but I know that a few days ago he started to see a girl. I have been very upset about it and can't stop thinking about him. I don't know why because I don't like him in "that" way. For some reason, I can't stop wishing I would get a message from him.

I want so badly for someone to understand what is going on inside of my head. It bothers me so much when people can’t understand what I’m trying to say. Well, lets just say that I’m bothered a lot because no one ever seems to know what I’m going on about. Maybe they just don’t care. Lately, I’ve been asking my mom to take me to a psychiatrist because I’m so tired of never being able to do anything. My brain is going all of the time a million miles per hour and it won’t shut off. I’m an adult now and I’m trying to get better and grow up, but I can’t. I’m stuck and I can’t get out of this hole.

Even though this is way too long already, I wanted to add something else because I’m afraid that I haven’t gotten to the point of what I wanted to say. This is something I wrote a few days ago to put in a profile. I know, how weird, but since I have such a hard time trying to say what I mean and I think I did a good job here, I’ll share it:

“it seems like i’m always spending time trying to put what i’m thinking, feeling, and even who i am into words. i always end up erasing it because it doesn’t sound the same as it does when i hear it in my head. sometimes i get so confused, i have no idea who i am and it makes it even worse when other people can’t figure it out either. all i really want is to feel normal and okay and to find just one person who "gets" me and will love me forever and never leave me, no matter how much i push them away. i don't know if there is a person out like that, but if there was, i don't think i would know what to do if i ever found them. it's not like anyone decent deserves to have to deal with my games and constant confusion anyway. i guess i'll just have to stick to my dream of living out in the woods by myself and becoming an awesome crazy cat lady.”