It sounds as though you are really depressed and that what you are doing isn't helping. Did participation in the program help you with depression? If there is a good possibility that it would help, I would go back.

Missing an old t is totally normal. I am sorry you feel guilt about that and sorry that your new t is not being helpful with that.

Can you just say what you said in your post about it not being about her, that you do care for current t while still missing old T?