Seriously. Yes, I know there are many people living much more difficult lives than I do, and I feel for them, but I truly feel that God has rejected me. (I'm trying to respect the rules here, forgive me if I mess up!! ) I don't know how to explain it, really, but it is so hard to keep trying when I feel so alone and frankly, so evil. (I must be evil to be so despised. ) I honestly believe I'm beyond hope or help, and needless to say, that doesn't help my mood. I've never led a "normal" life--never married, never had kids, my "best friend" betrayed me when I needed her most, failed at every job I tried, my health started failing in my early 20's (nothing life-threatening but it destroyed what was left of my self-esteem, which was already in tatters)--WHY must I fail at everything?? I did try! But it seemed like every time I thought I was finally pulling myself out of the pit, I got shoved right back in--even deeper. After awhile it occurred to me that "trying" was the worst thing I could do--even tho I did keep going to therapy, taking meds, and even trying new jobs, etc. But nothing helped, I kept sliding downhill. And I started wondering if I was being punished for trying to make something of myself. Maybe I didn't deserve the things that most people take for granted. Maybe being born was my first unforgivable mistake. Sorry for whining but this has been going on for decades and NOTHING has helped. I have become a total recluse--I'm too ashamed to face anyone--and I see absolutely no future--just more of the same. All I do is sleep, and I couldn't survive without my Xanax and Ambien--they're all that keep me from going into a total panic because I live in constant fear. But even they just "blunt" the emotions a bit--nothing makes me happy. I don't understand it--I was not brought up like this! What did I do wrong???