t asked if i felt like he knew me at all. i said... that he is getting to know me more over time.

i know that therapy is meant to be about figuring through the hard stuff... but i feel like i need there to be a balance in my life. i need to figure out how to integrate the 'bad' stuff with the 'good' stuff. and... keep the good. if i feel like he only wants to see the 'bad' stuff then the bad becomes magnified and i become more 'bad' because i figure (unconsciously) that that is what i need to to in order to be accepted by him.

and...

i don't want things to go that way.

i think i'm going to email him... and... take the plunge and tell him something i've told him before but something he never really listened to / acknowledged / understood the significance of before.

i wish i could do a proper course of analysis. how come? because it means (need to figure a nice way to say this) that he would shut the %#@&#! up one hell of a lot more. just let me talk about whatever springs to my mind and would work at figuring out patterns and getting to know me etc on the basis of what i choose to talk about.

instead of his believing that the 'real work' consists in me crying about mummy and daddy all the time. i mean, really. i can cry about mummy and daddy. in fact, i can feel it so much that i completely lose it. become completely disorganised. become completely unable to function. what good is that supposed to do? i fail to see...

i can switch into different 'alters' if that is what i need to do to obtain his care and concern. i can start cutting again if thats the only way he understands my distress. hell... what do you want me to be? cause i'll do (almost) anything. but... how is this helping me? i don't see how it helps others... i don't see how this helps me...

and i don't know how to make him %#@&#! see... except that i need to be gentle with him and validating, i guess. 'cause i'm kinda turning things upsidedown. his usual mode of relating etc... is it an attack? maybe... will he survive? i don't know.

:-(