As I am winding down phone sessions with t, known as Sparky here on PC, I decided to take the leap and talk about some things I never had the guts to do before.

I asked him if he knew my screen name on psychcentral. Question was spurred by something he said to me once that made me paranoid. Turns out that he did not know I was even referring to psychcentral let alone my screen name.

Ok now the harder reveal. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something but I wasn't sure if I'd regret telling him or not telling him. He wanted to know what outcome I was looking for. I said well nothing really. Nothing will change. Nothing should change But maybe to be unburdened of this. To be honest with him. To keep it from happening again. To know what to do if this happens with the next t

Before he spoke I said yes I know what transference is. Yes I don't think he feels the same way about me. Yes I know I don't know him well enough and the care in the relationship is one sided. Then

I fessed up. I told him almost the whole time I had a crush on him. He was quiet at first but I think he said what's wrong with that or why is that so bad or embarrassing thankfully he didn't say anything to hurt my feelings. He just said with the next t to try to work on relationships outside of therapy. The therapist can loom large when that's the closest relationship you have. He kept redirecting me towards thinking about meeting guys and trying online dating. He always gives me high praise for stellar relationship skills but I am not attractive so I don't know what good those skills are. He kept saying that I'm ready for relationships that I have the skills in place. Thinking about dating again makes me feel so despairing. It's just s parade of rejection.

I also said that since he is leaving the conmunication door open I felt I had to be honest with him. Maybe he would decide to shut that door. His choice of course. But he didn't. I can still contact him within reason. He said that I showed integrity. Not so sure. If I were very attractive and the other party took the bait I'm not sure where I would be.

I even told him about his colleague who teased me in the clinic ladies room about how hot he is. That made him laugh out loud.

Overall he said he was flattered a couple of times and a thank you for telling me comment. I thanked him In the end for not hurting my feelings

He suggested two remaining appointments not just one. Only because it isn't clear if Kashi will work out.

I'm so glad I did not get the speech "nothing will ever come of this/I don't feel that way about you". That would have hurt too much.

It would have been nice to hear an I care about you just not in a romantic way. It's hard when they don't say one way or the other but rejection would have hurt too much.

Hope this makes sense. So if you need to talk to your t about any strong feelings you have towards them. Just take the leap. It might be worth it