I just looked at my last post and can't believe it was in June. I seems that June should feel like a long time ago but really I can't tell. Time is wierd for me right now. From January forward has been and continues to be a blur. To update that note I posted previously, my sister died on July 13th. It was the saddest day of my life and I've known quite a bit of sadness. I mean it's kind in my genes to be sad, but this was deeeep sadness. I'm still pretty dazed. Grief is hard. It's insidious. It creeps up out of nowhere. It feeds the nothing. That's the title I've given to the next chapter of me: "the nothing" because once again, here I am at home, delaying going to work because the walk there seems too hard with the panic and anxiety of being outdoors, no food in my fridge or cupboards because I can't get up the courage to go to the store, friends and family seem to be fading somehow in my mind - I mean I know they're there but I can't seem to make the connection in my head that they're there (it's hard to explain)...so I'm feeling that I would prefer "nothing." I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to deal anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore. I want to feel nothing. I want to think about nothing except work stuff. I'm not doing well making it on my own I'm sure of that now. I long for nothing except for my struggle to be over. Once again I pray for the strength to get through this. I need to find a therapist but it all seems so overwhelming. I'm a mess of a person and I'm ashamed of my weakness. I'm sad for myself. It's really nuts too because I don't think anyone at work suspects that I'm like this. When I'm at work I'm happy. I like the interaction. I can go to lunch with people and since I'm not alone, I can go outside. I jump at the chance to take a "lunchtime walk" with people. But once it's time to go home. When the walk home is coming, my body starts to tense up and I start to prep myself for being alone out there in the world. It's really messed up and I'm so ready for it to stop. I think it's time for medication but first I need a doctor. Ugh... I can't make sense of it all...but it's just the way I feel right now. I'll get through this. I know I will. But this "nothing" thought is new and has creeped in my head and is almost literally like one of those speeded up movie shots of the sun's shadow pulling over a landscape - only the landscape is the inside of my head...my thoughts, etc...it seems to be moving faster than I can track it...anyway, I feel better just writing about this and am grateful for this site. I think I'm ready to go to work now...thanks for the patience of anyone who read this...I wish you all much happiness and a beautiful day.