hey, sorry about that.. i wish that i didn't post things like that..

im ok, i've just been overwhelmed and trying so hard at the same time; so im sort of struggling with being such a severe and heavy hitting self critic

i suppose i get upset because im not stronger, because i am told that i am very intelligent... people see me as a wise person albeit a bit eccentric in the fact that i push the limits of peoples intellectual and emotional understanding of the world surrounding us.. people say that i am highly talented and that i am a genius, yet i get into arguments with myself because what genius could allow these things to happen to them?
what intelligent person cant sort through the emotional turmoil and handle simple things such as appointments? or day to day activities?

im disappointed that i haven't made more progress... but the dedication that i am showing is still impressive... so i try to remind myself frequently that progress is here and is shown because years ago i would have folded severely and instead of dragging myself to the doctor i would hide in the woods or hide somewhere until the appointment time is over and then just be like well, i missed it, i will just have to make another one - or just quit going all together as i did before...

im just feeling trapped and i dont like to feel trapped... backed into a corner is a bad place for me.. i want to see that there is another way of life, that i can actually have my own life and tear down the walls of the corner / box that im backed into.. being trapped is extremely triggering and im physically and emotionally trapped

i've been self harming lately so i guess thats where the pictures come from.. but i am ok and im trying to keep myself from doing that, i just get into those places and thats what i end up doing; i am ok though, i appreciate your words and apologize for posting that.. i dont normally do that... should know better

I have been feeling extremely alone lately.. broken... im trying to remind myself that even if i had someone close and special in my life that it would not make me whole, it wouldn't fix my problems.. im not so sure why i have such a great desire to be so close to someone? i have never been close to anyone before in my life...

last night i had a pretty nice dream, such a beautiful black haired girl held me after i chased her around for a while and convinced her to accept me, the sense of attachment i felt was so intense and a bit scary because it seems sometimes when you become attached to someone like that you just end up pushing them away, which she did end up disappearing so i dunno but it was just nice to lay there being able to hold someone close to me for a while
much better dream than the normal nightmares, i just dunno who this girl is and why she keeps coming to my dream world as its not the first time..

corny right?

well, im hoping when i see the doctor tomorow i can remember the important things to tell her so that maybe she can give me some other med that can help some how..

thanks for listening, im hoping to get things moving in a better direction soon.. just gotta figure out how to manage triggers, maybe actually even get rid of them or get away from them..

wouldn't be cool to live on my own? i could just throw people out of my house if they started triggering me