Hi I have basically ran out of ideas of what to do and ended up on these forums. I am 27 and very troubled and have led a bad life, ok lets just jump in.

I started getting in trouble at a very early age, I had an unusual aggression about me I was always starting fights and I have been fighting all my life. I've pretty much always been in trouble with the police I think the first time I started getting arrested I was 10 years old , setting fires and smashing school windows and ive been arrested around 8 times for violent and assault crimes I have even been to prison because of this I literally used to just go out and find fights. my parents split up when I was around 10 -11 years old and I was constantly shifting between the 2 but ended up living with my mum and at the time her very abusive boyfriend , he used to beat her up , used to throw me about and give me constant threats of abuse to the point where I was scared to go home so I resorted to being out all the time and eventually became a drug dealer. I have had many jobs but never lasted long in any of them I either had really bad anxiety that kept me away or i'd leave early without being able to tell anybody or just angry all the time and snapping at people. I have suffered for really bad anxiety for most of my life since I was at school anyway but unfortunately I never knew was anxiety was I just always thought it was just a weird sick feeling and a force that I couldnt explain. I used to avoid school alot and bunked off nearly every day in the last 2 years of high school. I have lost a lot of good friends just because of the way I am , I really cant help it for some reason I was always putting them down for no reason or having indrect ways at hurting them I even ended up sleeping with my best mates longtime girlfriend a few times which lost me his friendship for ever. if anything bad happens its always somebodys fault or I try to rationalize everything that my life is the way it is because of other people I have pretty much always been a liar and a manipulator doing or saying what ever I need to to further my own agenda. I literally have no value for family I can go months or years without speaking to a family member and it doesnt bother me I literally have no feelings on the matter. The violence about me is what is worrying me because ever since a young boy ive had millions of fantasies about what it would be like to kill somebody and I know its only a matter when not if. I went through a bad stage of depression where I tried to commit suicide , ive butchered both my wrists , ive had multiple overdoses even in 1 desperate attempt i took a bunch of pills to knock me out and strapped a bag to my head but just always end up waking up. I spent time on a psych ward but was never honest with them just told them what they wanted to hear to get myself out so id have the freedom to end myself if I chose to. They have me on all sorts of meds now and the depression has faded and the anxiety is lowered but now im just void of emotion . I have a beautiful child but rarely see him because I didnt want him to see my while I was depressed , but now I just avoid him and my ex who wants to get back with me like they had the plague . I know I should love them both but I genuinely cant feel anything for them I have to fake a smile and i'm soo releaved when they leave and Even I know thats messed up. I no longer feel depressed but I could happily shoot myself in the head if I got access to a gun its very strange , now I roam the streets picking fights most of the time ones that I know i'll lose just in the hope of actually feeling something, im even getting wound up now because I feel like this whole thread has been wrote by a blind person im just usless at everything . I was told I had clinical depression but I know its much more than that and genuinly would like it to be gone but i've been like this my whole life its who I am and i'm destined to go down a dark road to be honest I dont even know why ive wrote this