My nightmare last night shook me up pretty bad. I feel even more tired than when I went to bed. I was lost in it and I couldn't move. I also occasionally suffer from a form of sleep paralyses, which really doesn't help when I'm having a memory dream considering I just kept trying to get away and couldn't move.
I just started therapy again this past Monday, and while I felt better after our first meeting, it brought everything up pretty bad over these past couple nights. This is a big reason I quit doing therapy in the first place. It's just so much easier to keep from addressing it. Because if I don't address it, the symptoms are there but I can put them back in a little box, sometimes, and shut them back up without getting too lost in it. With therapy, I actually have to deal with it and notice it. What sucks is the fact that I didn't even really talk about the trauma, just mentioned that it happened. From there I just discussed symptoms I suffer from. He's a good therapist, he didn't push me, not once. So, I can't blame this on him or that I had to talk about it. I have nothing to blame it on, other than the one consistent thing that causes my symptoms to get worse: Therapy itself.
I won't quit going but damn this is going to suck. I'm not on any medication and I don't want to be. My therapist fully supports this decision unless it gets entirely unbearable. I've been okay just pushing it to the side. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with this, guys. I just don't know if I can handle it, or if I can ever handle what happened. Hell, I don't even think I've fully accepted it.