I've been thinking a lot about my ex lately.. When we broke up, he wanted to remain friends but it didn't really work out, so I haven't seen him in a long time. He's contacted me now and again to ask if we could meet, but I've turned him down..

There's also another person I once considered my best friend whom I walked away from when I realised she didn't really want to be around me anymore.. Ever since, I've been scared to death of running into her by accident.

I've now realised that in both these cases, I feel ashamed that these people left me/didn't want to be with me anymore!

My dad abandoned me when I was a kid, and I think that ever since, I've felt I have to do everything I possibly can to avoid being rejected again - because it hurt so much the first time..

My former therapist said that when children are abandoned by a parent, they're bound to think it's their fault - so, abandonment creates shame. I think shame is probably the hardest emotion to experience - feeling like you're bad and shouldn't exist..

Lately, I've started to understand it wasn't my fault that my dad abandoned me - it was about his own problems. And now I'm thinking maybe it's the same with other people?

Although I do know I made it impossible for my ex to stay with me.. But I couldn't have done anything differently - I did the best I could with what I knew then. I can forgive myself for not being perfect..

I think it's also how life is.. People come and go and it's not always about us.. So it's pointless to feel shame. Sad, yes - maybe even angry, but not shame.. I'm not a bad person because these people left.