So things in my life have gone kind of downhill and I felt like I need to get it out somewhere or I'd explode.

When I was a lot younger, around 15 or so, I attempted suicide once, but since then my life has gotten a lot better. I got stronger, I became more confident in my self, I went to college where I made some amazing friends and everything was going really well. And then last year hit and for some reason my mental health went downhill.

I'm a busy person, I intern, work, take full classes at college, I'm president of a club and I don't always have a ton of time. But there came a point where I started to feel like I had nothing left, no energy, no enthusiasm, nothing.

But when I dropped the internship, started taking fewer classes I just felt like even more of a failure and didn't get any more energy. I have trouble sleeping. I wake up every morning feeling like I'm going to throw up. I can't focus and I feel like I'm stupider than I was when I was younger. I used to write all the time just stories and fun things that were stupid but I loved them but now I can't even make it through a paragraph before I lose interest.

And I have these amazing friends who I love but I don't feel like they love me at all. Like I know their professors' names because they talk about them all the time and I go to their events to support them for their clubs/major. And yet they didn't do little things for me like I just had an interview and they didn't remember or ask how it went (literally I knew about when one took her MCAT or the exact day a play cast would go up but the favor just isn't returned). And I know I'm being crazy because they're busy too but it just makes me feel awful and it makes me feel like I can't talk to them at all.

The club I'm the president of is constantly falling apart and I've had people bring problems to me daily and people undermine me and yell at me constantly. And yes, I'm probably blowing it out of proportion but I feel like I'm letting them down as a leader and like I need to be better.

For classes, I can't seem to focus at all. I genuinely don't even know what the topics are and I've fallen so far behind that it feels like there's no succeeding.

I've reached a new low where I feel like I might as well not even be alive. I won't hurt myself because I want to be stronger than I was before but I just don't really know how to deal with all of it since I'm too scared to go get professional help.

I guess I just needed to let it out. If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.