Okay, obviously you guys aren't licensed mental health professionals, and I have been thinking of going to a professional to satiate my curiosity..but I guess I want to see if it's even worth my time and effort.

Anyways, so I've always felt like I just..wasn't like everyone aound me..especially when I was younger, I've always been called "heartless" or "emotionless" I just never seemed to react "appropriately" as a child, and that always put people off, my family, and anyone else around me, so I began to really observe the people around me, look at their reactions and behavior, really read it, and I began to mimic it. It got to the point that people stopped singling me out for my behavior, as I seemed normal, even if none of it was sincere, no one seems to catch on, even closest family. The one person who seemed to have an idea was my mum's at the time husband, he has studied pychology and seemed to really try and observe me very closely, I knew he was picking up on some things regardless of the facade I had on, he'd do little "tests" that at the time I didn't understand what the heck he was doing, but after doing some of my own research..I understand some now. One was a "startle test" he'd hide around a corner and try to scare me, or would make a really loud nouse behind me, he'd tell me nice stories and then quickly switch them to some graphic detail, like death or something scary, and I'd remain totally flat, I never startled when being surprised, I never reacted differently to seeing a baby compared to a murder crime scene photo, (well beyond high curiosity of the murder) nothing he did ever got a reaction out of me.

I just don't have sympathy towards people, when my bf lost a family member and we were going to the funeral, I was honestly more upset that I was having a bad hair day than the fact that I was going to a funeral inthe first place. Also when my bf lost a close coworker, when he told told me I just didn't have a natural reaction to it, I faked sympathy for his sake but I on the inside I felt nothing, and I never comforted him over these losses, just never thought about it, didn't really care, and my social skills for comforting people are absolute zero and it's just never been worth my time or effort.

I had your typical crappy childhood, physical and mental abuse and all that, poverty, split homes, being bullied and singled out at school, nothing spectacular, but there were a few things that were different. For one I would lie, A LOT. Anything I could lie about, I would, didn't even have to be essential to getting me out of trouble, I'd lie for the sake of seeing if I could get away with it, I liked to watch people's reactions, see how far I could go along with it. I had and to this day have no friends. It's not that people don't like me, they do, I just don't have any interest in interacting with people in that way. Now if I get something from the interaction then that's a different story, even if it's just to bring me relief from boredom. I love being the center of attention most of the time, when I am with "friends" I want them to be paying attention to me, I don't like listening to people, and it takes a lot for me to give them my full attention. However at the same time I DON'T like being the center of attention with strangers..I'd rather be invisible and I really do not enjoy large crowds or overall busy places.

Growing up I constantly had homicidal thoughts, about daily, this mostly revolved around people who wronged me in whatever way, didn't matter how trivial or how "close" the person was, I constantly fantasized about killing my mum's husband, and truth be told the only reason I never did was not out of guilt or the possibility of remorse, was simply because I didn't have the easy means and never found a way that I was sure would leave me Scott free, because I don't ever want to go to jail, as it's not beneficial to me and would ruin any work I've done with myself and after the initial rush of it, would grow very boring, very quickly. To this day I still have homicidal thoughts, though not as much I feel as when I was a teenager, though it's evolved to involve many strangers, I envision just killing people, strangers I see at work or around my house, I'll just look at them and that'll be my first thought, is how could I kill them, rather than wanting any positive interaction with them. I've never felt guilt when having these thoughts.

Now the one thing that always kept me from even beginning to think I might have sociopathic traits or the like is, I LOVE my pets, and in general I love animals, yes, I have hurt animals in the past, and yes, I would kill or hurt animals today though not without reason, I raw feed my cats and I love killing their food for them, but I am VERY attached to my cats..and I've NEVER abused them..nor would I, in fact I'd kill anyone and anything that tried to harm them in any way.

Another thing is in my research I'd found that a majority of sociopaths and the like don't find music particularly useful or really like it or find it distracting...however I'm the opposite..I've found music always passified me..whenever I had harmful thoughts, like hurting people, I'd put on music amd concentrate on it and it would calm me down most of the time.

And lastly in my research I've learned that sociopaths don't do well in long term relationships, however me and my bf have been together for 7 years, though I will say that it's more out if it being beneficial and convenient for me more than anything else, and no, if we were to break up I would not be sad, I can easily see myself on my own and sometimes I even crave that, I don't work for my relationship, never have, I feel it's more chance it's lasted this long at all.

I'm sure there is more that should be shared. and if I remember anything else I'll be sure to edit it in..but I feel I've able enough for now and I'm ready to pick the minds here.