I'm 53 years old so, take what I say for what it's worth. (Though I did struggle with depression at your age, and experienced some of the things you describe, and have vivid memories.) A couple things you wrote jumped out at me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerricchoo
During the summer I had an appointment with a doctor of sorts, who diagnosed me with Aspergers. I never asked whether this was an adopted illness or if it was always there, but either way it was there, and I didn’t think much of it at first. I didn’t really understand why everyone thought it was such a big deal until I saw my mom talking to my aunt and they were both crying about it that I decided to do my own research, and suddenly a world of answers flooded into me if that makes sense. I’d suddenly understood my odd behaviour, my lack of will to socialize, my fear of entering friend groups, and my addiction to online gaming/communication.
|
Yeah. My son is on the autism spectrum, and I have some Aspergerish tendencies myself. So while I don't know what it's like to be you, I can relate. And here's the thing, a thing it took me decades to figure out: It's okay. Being on the spectrum isn't necessarily a big deal. In some respects and in certain professions it actually confers an advantage. It's okay, I promise you. Your mom and aunt and everybody else will adjust. It might take them some time - try to be patient with them - but they will come around. (Your mom, for sure. If she hasn't already.)
Just remember this: It's for others to adjust to you. You are who you are and you have your own strengths and weaknesses just like everybody else. You read that right: It is the world's job to adjust to you, not vice versa. I'm dead serious. You, my son, me, everybody - we're all on the continuum of human-ness. The concept of normalcy is an illusion, a meaningless definition.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerricchoo
I can’t understand why but the tremendous fear I feel when I’m in class knowing that I’m alone and hearing others mingle around me while they work and listening to each of their daily lives…
|
As I said, I'm 53, and you know what? I still feel that way in social settings, at work or any other sort of gathering. There are fleeting moments of pleasure while conversing with someone but mostly I just want to do what I'm supposed to do and get the hell out of there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerricchoo
I’ve already had aspirations in life, I want to make a difference in the world, invent the next amazing invention, become a translator/linguistic, chef, traveller, karate expert, all of these are things I enjoy and can apply myself to, but instead I’m stuck daydreaming or fantasizing about being special in a normal world, having superpowers or special skills, and that’s where I’m stuck.
|
I'm guessing you're going to roll your eyes at what I say next because you've heard it a hundred times, but I'll say it anyway: You can make a difference in the world. You might indeed come up with a major invention or innovation. You might do any or all the other things you mentioned. The fact that you're spinning your wheels at the moment means nothing. As I said, it's the world's job to accommodate you, not vice versa. Now admittedly, the world is slow to do this for people like you and my son, and in many ways still inadequate, but even so, things tend to work out if you keep plugging away. There are community colleges and universities that recognize the value of y'all and will give you a fair shot. There are many employers who will do the same.
If you doubt what I say - that your neurological wiring gives you a unique way of looking at the world that may in fact enable you to see things others can't - then I invite you to read
Thinking In Pictures by Temple Grandin. (There are also eight bazillion Youtubes about that book, and about her generally.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerricchoo
So my final statement: I feel I already know what I want in my life, and I can’t apply myself to the things I know I need to do to achieve my aspirations, and the things I found once enjoyable are now dull and boring because alone they’re just an ingredient, and nobody wants to eat raw flour after all…
|
Hold onto that. It's half the battle. Three-fourths, maybe. I know it's hard when you're 16 but try to take the longer view. If you feel a sense of purpose, all the stuff you have to put up with in between is just noise, temporary obstacles. If it takes you a year or five longer to get there than what the so-called "normal" progression is, who the hell cares? I can guarantee society won't.