So some history, I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend and had him as my only sexual partner for about 3 years. He was always considerate during sex like a normal person so I didn't really ever have to practice what happens when you're in a situation where you're being pressured.

Anyway so me and this boyfriend (now ex-fiance) had issues that lead to us being separated for 2 months 2 years ago. 1 month into this separation I gave my number to a guy from an online dating site who made it clear he just wanted to have sex. I told him no, screw off, regretted giving him my number cause I didn't know those intentions and then ignored every time he called.

After a damn month of this guy calling and me getting more and more depressed by the day from the separation, my phone glitched (sometimes it would display the last person I contacted when someone completely different is calling me) so I answered and it was that guy. he wanted me to go to the mall with him and me being depressed and lonely I just said yes.

Well even though I had spent the last month ignoring this person who seemed to have wanted me just for sex, within 30 minutes I had been taken into a public washroom and EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM TO STOP he didn't.

That's when things started getting screwed up. Because I wasn't strong enough with my no and I "let it" happen after I felt like I had no right to say like anything bad happened, so I continued to hang out with his person two other times. That's when my ex found out and that was the end of that.

Well until this year.

Me and that other guy got back in contact, again from me and my ex getting into fights and separating. Now I thought I knew what I was getting into BUT THEN THE OTHER GUY STARTED TELLING ME HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME.

and my head got all screwed up.

I think he's legit in liking me, not love for sure, but we've gone on dates and he's pretty nice and whatever. I don't really feel a connection, and he's kind of acting head over heels and he does have a history of sleeping around so I just contributed it to him not knowing any better.

But it seems no matter how many damn times I explain how I feel, that I'm uncomfortable with sex, it's too early for me, I'm not ready, I'm not that type of girl, I don't want to. It's never enough and as soon as we're alone in a private place it's pushed. Not in an aggressive way, but in a convincing "oh, why not, you're not doing anything wrong it's okay" type way. and I give into it.

Now before anyone tells me to stay away from this guy - yeah I get it. I was severely depressed and now that I'm not in the severe zone I'm seeing how I'm being manipulated (and if not manipulated at least not cared about) so I'm not continuing that anymore.. but for the future. I don't want this to keep happening, but I'm naive, timid, and I just shy up. I feel no strength around people I'm not close with and obviously I just let them do whatever they want to if they can convince me.

I hate it. I now have a weird feelings about sex where as before all this happened I had a high sex drive and full confidence in what it meant to me. Now I just feel like a different person.. Not as pure anymore which I know is BS but..